Loving Myself Like a Baby
|
I am an addict. At the festival a priestess asked us to write our sins on a slip of paper, fold it up and place it in a spherical glass bowl. I wrote: I habitually overeat and undersleep and overscroll. I don't want you to know these things about me for various egoic reasons, but allowing myself to be seen and known has been wonderful medicine for me lately, so now you know. An addiction means that someone knows that the thing is harmful, but they do the thing anyway. I know. I know as I do it and I watch myself do it but curiously there is no shame or guilt or sadness or anger about it. I am grateful that my addictions are not of the more acutely dangerous or lethal variety, but that doesn't explain my equanimity. Here's the explanation: I have ridden the self-loathing, self-berating, self-hating carousel enough times in my life to know its utter uselessness. Earlier today I meditated with the prompt, "What is most alive in my system right now?" From that question I had the felt experience of me holding my infant self in my arms, holding myself like a baby, and loving myself unconditionally. Babies scratch and bite and pull and those behaviors do not dissuade the people in their lives from loving them unconditionally. Why would it be any different with adults, with ourselves? Picture a lot of ice cream. I ate more than that amount late last night, and I held myself in that addiction today. It's okay, you’re okay, I love you. The self-love doesn't excuse the addictive behavior; the self-love doesn't feel like a choice at all. Unconditional self-love and radical self-acceptance are the roots that ground me and give me the safety and comfort and nourishment to grow towards something different, something better. I will never abandon you, I say to my baby self as I cradle his head and rock him in my arms and watch him drift off to sleep. His dreams matter. I will do what I can to take care of him and encourage him and help him become who he is. I would like to know what question or topic you want me to write about. If you tell me in a reply to this email, I will send you a small gift. Cheers, Loop |
@strangestloop
On a recent neighborhood walk I noticed and appreciated what I looked at as though it were an art gallery and that got me thinking about how I can appreciate the details in my awareness in all moments and that got me thinking about the importance of paying attention to what I pay attention to. I continue to pull on the red Kabbalah string and its lessons continue to be comforting and clarifying and inspiring. There is an emphasis on noticing the tendency to unconsciously react and instead...
I have been really enjoying loving presence lately. I believe it is an underutilized and underappreciated orientation towards any situation in life, but especially those where there is resistance or discomfort. But what is loving presence? It is simply to be both loving and present with whatever is in front of you. It is not partial presence, distracted by a screen or thoughts of the past or the future. It is not partial love, insisting that someone needs to be different than how they are. If...
A few simple things I've been doing have me feeling amazing this morning. I have been enjoying receiving lessons from Kabbalah. This morning I prayed outside for five minutes. When I speak these prayers, I ask to change myself: "Creator, please help me..." I was up last night reading a book. I noticed that I was in the magical hours where 10pm becomes midnight in the blink of an eye. I put the book down and got in bed before 11pm. Using mouth tape and an eye mask also improves my sleep...