Loving Myself Like a Baby
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I am an addict. At the festival a priestess asked us to write our sins on a slip of paper, fold it up and place it in a spherical glass bowl. I wrote: I habitually overeat and undersleep and overscroll. I don't want you to know these things about me for various egoic reasons, but allowing myself to be seen and known has been wonderful medicine for me lately, so now you know. An addiction means that someone knows that the thing is harmful, but they do the thing anyway. I know. I know as I do it and I watch myself do it but curiously there is no shame or guilt or sadness or anger about it. I am grateful that my addictions are not of the more acutely dangerous or lethal variety, but that doesn't explain my equanimity. Here's the explanation: I have ridden the self-loathing, self-berating, self-hating carousel enough times in my life to know its utter uselessness. Earlier today I meditated with the prompt, "What is most alive in my system right now?" From that question I had the felt experience of me holding my infant self in my arms, holding myself like a baby, and loving myself unconditionally. Babies scratch and bite and pull and those behaviors do not dissuade the people in their lives from loving them unconditionally. Why would it be any different with adults, with ourselves? Picture a lot of ice cream. I ate more than that amount late last night, and I held myself in that addiction today. It's okay, you’re okay, I love you. The self-love doesn't excuse the addictive behavior; the self-love doesn't feel like a choice at all. Unconditional self-love and radical self-acceptance are the roots that ground me and give me the safety and comfort and nourishment to grow towards something different, something better. I will never abandon you, I say to my baby self as I cradle his head and rock him in my arms and watch him drift off to sleep. His dreams matter. I will do what I can to take care of him and encourage him and help him become who he is. I would like to know what question or topic you want me to write about. If you tell me in a reply to this email, I will send you a small gift. Cheers, Loop |
@strangestloop
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