Shadows and Mirrors
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I want to riff on two memes I shared that popped off on Twitter. First up, enlightened Drake. The human mind is so powerful in its ability to create stories out of the mere existence of other people. I looked around the room during the retreat and I noticed that a few taller, stronger, more assertive men activated me. How dare they be these things I am not! Everyone you interact with can show you something about yourself. What you admire, you desire. There's a beauty in going about your day and enjoying a pastor's compassion, an artist's creativity, and a child's courage. It's existence as an act of service: you benefit others through your mere existence, through letting yourself be seen. These men showed me that I want to take up more space. I want to flinch less at the possibility of activating other people because of my genuine expression. I want to be a jacked philosopher king. What a gift! The contrast also helped me appreciate some of my strengths. More and more I love my own gentle masculinity, it was reflected to me again today. I love how my assertiveness manifests creatively: going from idea to complete offering with its own website in two weeks, writing essays in one sitting, effortlessly guiding conversations by trusting my intuition. I love my own attractiveness and the joy in recognizing the pointlessness of comparing height and musculature. Now onto Mr. Morales. My same old familiar problems keep me safe. If I were to resolve them once and for all and graduate into brand new problems, who knows what would happen! The unknown is dangerous! At the same time, I recognize the shame. It can feel embarrassing to still not have figured this stuff out. Shame can keep me from letting others in, so they don't see my problems. But that means that they can't help me either. Self-awareness is an infinite game. You play hide and seek with yourself, you catch a glimpse of a shadow, and you either pretend that you didn't see it or you shine a light on it. In either case, some version of the pattern is likely to come back around again. Other people can show you what is hidden to you when you release your shame around your patterns. And through their reflections and all of the sweetness, patience, cunning, and ruthlessness needed to address your shadows, you might break away from the familiar and graduate into something new. It's interesting to continue to self-actualize while not having safety and security quite figured out. It's an exciting life, certainly. But although I do love the money drama, I want new drama. It's all okay. I find insights and I take action, and my internal and external worlds continue to evolve, and I love myself every step of the way. Things I made:
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